
Where in the hell is dr.proctor?
================================

Prologue
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The world was at stake. The prizes were high. No more bananas for monkeys. No more grey people hanging on trees. The days of heroes were over. A threat was on side. A threat greater than peperoni with pizza but not as much as this. The world was at stake for ninjas. Bad ninjas. Black scurfs. Most people think ninjas are heroes but the truth is that they are mammals. They read it somewhere on the internet and so did I.

I? Who is the man behind the curtain? Who is the storyteller?

It is the mean who sought for dr.proctor. The last remaining of the heroes. Lost in a lost island somewhere in the lost ocean. An ocean not filled with sharks, nor shark scientists. In fact, dr.proctor was a shark scientist. The most dangerous job in the world. "Shaaaaaark Scieeeeentist is a dangerous job!" as he liked to shout in front of a bored audience who got fed up with silly jokes of how a shark could eat an elephant only if we could intergrate it's mass in time.

Time. Time and space. Time, space and matter. Time and space, space and matter. And strawberries. Those where the primary obsessions of dr.proctor. Strawberries is what killed him. Till he managed to escape into a deep hole of quantum matter and massive ammounts of superpositions of his electrons. The electrons of his other lives.

People think that afterlife is a false idea. Pseudoscience. Patascience. Tomatoscience I'd say. It's just as lame as religion. And they were right. Absolutely right. Unless when the doctor proove them wrong. By cheating into making them believe. Making them believe that what saved him from eternal disaster and overconsumption of strawberries was the force at stake. The one that almost destroyed the world. The one that turned it into an eternal chaos. But it wasn't afterlife. It was his passion. It was his dream. It was the substance that dreams are made of. Except if he managed to deceive myself. It's up to the reader to decide.

The story begins in the bunker of professor Staunz.

Dialogue
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The night was coming. Arcimbolder Pro was running in the screensaver of Quantum Leap 4000 computer generating one thousand frames of animation per second. It was just for pure entertainment. QL 4000 was quite retro. This old child of a UK engineer who was turning 256 years old the last Sabbath. The major programm that QL was running in the background before the eyes of the screensaver was the heavy one. It was a major scientific experiment trying to compute something about coffee. Something unthinkable. It was the primary plan of dr.proctor.

Doctor Brausch entered the room. He left his jacket near the archway and walked inside the quantum box. He heard the notorious voice of the computer paraphrasing his superposition future.

- "Welcome aboard dr.Brausch! You will have a letter from Maria Marouni. At night you will eat some pork meat except if you flip the coin to the left side of your pocket and a car accident happens."
- After a pause and a bleeping mmmmm... "SO, DON'T DO IT!"
- "..except if you wish"

- "Thank you SYS&TRANS-6128", said the doctor ackwardly.
- "Can you prepare a coffe from me?", he continued, "with sugar and milk.. and strawberries. The DNA ones not the MCA",. "also.. kick off!"

- "Hiya to you doctor! How is vaselite? Still breeding?", said professor Stanz with a happy grin.
- "It needs to hibernate a little. But it's reaching the goal. We will celebrate tomorrow with cake and beer in my friend's house manuelo."

A bird flew onto the glass. A sounded gap sounded. Or more like a bap. With rock, roll but not cake.

- "We have work to do!" said mr.Franz. Joe Franz was the janitor. With a very special ability though. For most people, psi powers are common. But that guy had ksi powers. It was a step above psi, something that made him a bit lazy, but only he could understand them. Except when he couldn't..

The world was really at stake. Birds don't fly on glass on such a sunny day. With three suns. Something is going wrong here. And they knew! They knew after the dissapearence of dr.proctor. He was involved into something called the Scylla with dr.tancredi. Tancredi was a girl. She was gifted with powers of aetherian bodies. She always liked to talk about the aetheric plane. Many girls do it. Nobody knows why. The aetheric body is not yet proven. They thing it's pseudoscience. Zetetics insist the same way too.

Dr.proctor was on something with tancredi. A mistake was made. Nobody knows what. Something came out of the aetheric plane, at least that's what the conspiracy nuts say. Nevertheless they are lost now. This one is a mystery. The proof for this is that they are not here. Skeptics want proof. The proof is that they don't exist. They did. They did the same way that lepricons did. Historic books of Scotland say that lepricons were a part of their society. So they did exist. And now they don't. Because they are not to be seen. They are lost. Definitelly a proof that something strange is happening here. Just like the two doctors.

Proctor was a gynecologist. Tancredi was girl. The doctor was specialized in psychic gynecology. Tancredi had those powers. They were on something. I tell you!!!

- "Have you tried the quantum matter manipulator yet?" asked mr.good?
- "The superposition of the electron is not ready. It will take few days until the quantum collapse." replied dr.sauntz.

Dr Brausch entered some numbers into QL 4000. "Ahhh,. he said! I should have bought 5000. It collapse the quantum matter 4 times faster. Other than that it's more cute.."

- "Don't worry about that. I have optimized the quantum bits to stay at superposition before their time. It shouldn't take more than an hour." replied professor Stanz.

- "What? This is extremely dangerous! It could rapture reality as we know it." screamed dr.sauntz in proffesors Stanz ears.
- "First of all! Don't scream in my ears! My quantum electrons have flown through my vineral system and caused a lepanthropy. You shouldn't do this so frequently. You should do it more frequently like every second to keep a stable tempo of lepanthropy! Either each second or not at all. Screaming in surprise is forbidden here!!!" blabbered professor Stanz.

Brausch answered the phone. Maria's letter was here. He hold it in his pocket. The quantum disturbance came not in an hour but the next minute because staush pressed the button too early while observance of reality change the quantum conditions and manipulated the superposition of mass matters into chaos. The pizza guy flew over the window.

The world was at stake. Ninjas couldn't stand this. The professors as if they came from idiocracy returns punched the doctors into the stomach. They should never use such a retro dangerous muchine as QL 50000. They should have bought the Gill Bates 9000 instead. Pure retro ancient history computer. No more quantum manipulation.

### No more illegal communication over quantum telepathy ###

..and not to forget. Illegaly!!!

Epilogue
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The irony was that dr.proctor was never lost in quantum gate. He just got so keen of strawberries that locked him forever into a strawberry industry complex. Forever. Illegaly!

Joe Franz always knew it. He knew what is going to happen even if it didn't. He knew it because of his Ksi powers. And he wanted this world to end. Because of the letter. Brausch should never open it. It would mean something else for the world. The end of objective reality. The end of logic as they knew it. Insanity!

Brausch have wished to flip the coin only after the incident. He knew everything. He was sucked into the vortex of total perspective. He knew everything..


Antilogue
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"Dear Todd,

   The fish and chips are in the fridge. The red dress is the closet. I have three kids. They miss you. I miss you. You spend 24/7 in search of an imaginery doctor. The one your old classmate drew once in your book. The one with an aeroplane wing instead of a hand. The one who smokes a cigar and you always liked the smoke. You and your crazy colleagues of what you call fringe science. You spend all your life in seeking dreams. This is vain, you have a family godamnit!!!

   I can't take it anymore. I quit. Haus Giannidis is a better husband than you. I am leaving for a honeymoon. I give you back your gifts, the Gameboy Advance, the Amstrad CPC, that CD of Pink Floyd, the Sigur Ros album, the Toyota car, the Asus EEEPC, the Zelda Chronicles game, the ping pong racket oh and the rocket launcher that mr.bekendecker gave to you when you asked for a ping pong rackete and he have heard the world rocket. Thank you for that btw. The launcher was more fun than your silly electronic gadgets. And more real. And more practical! It helped me kill the flies in the cellar and protects me from burglars (in fact as long as they know that I own a launcher they don't even think about it ;).

Oh,. I smiled. I put a smiley! Sorry, this was supposed to be a serious letter. I know that the world will rapture, the last pinch of logic will be lost because you will scrap the letter before reaching the part where you figure out this was all a joke. I hope you are not scared before this point. I hope everything is ok. Honey? Honey??? Do you want milk with honey?

Oh, I forget you prefer coffee! Have you seen the last episode of Sarah O'Connor chronicles? I like that terminator MILF. She is a lesbo as I am. I should make up with her soon.

No seriously. I am leaving. This is a joke on a joke. Your barrel of DNA strawberries are still in the cellar. Have a time with them in the dark abyss of nothingess!

                                       yours Maria Marouni
                                  32/12/2012, Thessaloniki
                                      timeline: 32659009ab
                                            QU: 4K1       "
